


[MST] Is "Time Machine" Supposed to Read "Common Sense"?

by Yamanami Kei-ichirou 山南 敬一郎 (Ki_no_Shirayuki)



Series: 型染 — Katazome [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Gen, Humor, MST3k-Style Riffing, Medicine, Omake, Please Don't Kill Me, Substance Abuse, Swearing, WTF, Yamanami is a son of a bitch, he deserves it though, reason: five tags prior, though I don't wanna put that tag here but, who gets constant headaches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9280151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Yamanami%20Kei-ichirou%20%E5%B1%B1%E5%8D%97%20%E6%95%AC%E4%B8%80%E9%83%8E
Summary: God Suckamoto, you're so annoying. Damn, where the fuck are my pills.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [There's never a time-machine when you need one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8649352) by [deargodwhatisthatthing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deargodwhatisthatthing/pseuds/deargodwhatisthatthing). 



> ((I'm sorry about Yamanami, but that's how he is - an insufferable literary snob.  
> Also, all characters in this work except Yamanami Kei-ichirou belong to Sorachi Hideaki; all historical figures _including_ Yamanami Keisuke belong to history))

**Sakata Gintoki:** Who the hell are you? From the Shinsengumi aren't ya? I totally understand if the bakufu suddenly decides lying around reading JUMP is a crime against the state or something, but can I at least go pee?  
**Shimura Shinpachi:** That's right, Yamanami-san, why are you breaking into our house and locking us up?  
**Yamanami Kei-ichirou:** And you shall see why! _(badass thunder)_ _(whips out laptop)_ Lying around reading JUMP isn't a crime - though I kinda wish it is _(snorts)_ \- but not being educated enough on the subject on literature is, to me, a mortal sin! That is why I chose you, one of the least enlightened characters in the series _(Gintoki and Shinpachi roll eyes)_ to educate via… _(opens website on laptop)_ the method of reviewing fan-fiction!

(Beat)

 **Shinpachi:** Did the Shinsengumi ask you to do this?  
**Yamanami:** _(desperately sobbing)_ Please don't tell Chief… the last thing I want is to be stripped of my honor, to have to commit seppuku and to have all my headache pills taken away! Please have mercy for this poor man; don't report him to the higher-ups…  
**Gintoki:** And why must we do that?  
**Yamanami:** _(produces a thick stack of money from his pocket)_  
_(Gintoki and Shinpachi smile from ear to ear as they sit nicely on either side of Yamanami)_

* * *

  _Mutsu!  Mutsu?  I’m coming in!  I hope you’re not doing anything private,_  
**Shinpachi:** Shouldn't he knock on the door first and make sure she isn't doing anything private in there?  
**Gintoki:** This is Sakamoto. Dude's got no common sense.  
**Yamanami:** Or proper spacing. Why the fuck did he put _double_ spaces behind the exclamation and question marks?

 _ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!_  
**Gintoki:** That's Sakamoto for ya.  
**Yamanami:** I've always heard he has this "legendary annoying" laughter, but just _reading_ it on paper - on screen - makes my head hurt _(takes one headache pill)_

 _No Mutsu.  Hmm.  Off working on something else, I suppose.  Work, work, work – she’s a busy girl, ha ha!  Place wouldn’t run without her.   What would I do without her?  Nothing of any use, I suppose._  
**Shinpachi:** … and who is the leader of the trading fleet again?  
**Gintoki:** I gave up understanding him long ago and I think you should do the same.  
**Yamanami:** SPACING. SPACING.

 _Still, she’s not doing paperwork, because that’s all here.  What nice neat piles!  So pleasing.  Maybe I’ll help her with her work._  
**Gintoki:** What are you, her fuckin' dad or something?

 _Oh, they don’t look quite so neat now.  Hmm.  Still, if you want to make an omelette, you have to crack some eggs.   Perhaps I can take a look at the accounts book.  Accounts book, accounts book.  Here it is!  No, it’s not.  That’s a diary._  
**Yamanami:** And now there are fucking _triple_ spaces. This person is unbelievable. _(takes another pill)_

 _That’s Mutsu’s diary..._    
**All three:** So?

 _…_  
**Gintoki:** Is Sakamoto a psychic or something?  
**Shinpachi:** What do you mean?  
**Gintoki:** He put a random three-dots there because when writing this, he foretold that the dude sitting between us right now when reviewing the story at this point would down _three_ headache pills. Look at him.  
**Shinpachi:** Oh dear.

 _Ohhhhhh.  Mutsu’s diary.  MUTSU’S diary.  Mustn’t look.  That would be terrible.  Awful.  An abuse of trust, absolutely._  
**Shinpachi:** Of course it is!

 _Kinda want to look, though, ha ha!  
_**Shinpachi:**  Don't!

 _I’m not going to look.  Maybe I could just draw a little picture on the corner of every page – make a flick book!  It could be me waving at Mutsu!_  
**Gintoki:** If you're not going to look then how are you gonna doodle on every page, dumbass?  
**Shinpachi:** I thought you said you gave up understanding him?  
**Yamanami:** Damn it, this man can't write long sentences, can he?

 _That would be hilarious!  And fatal.  Mustn’t do it.  
_**Gintoki and Shinpachi:** Then don't do it and get out of her room!

_Might be something about me in there._

_Or maybe there’s not something about me.  Maybe there’s something about somebody else.  
_**Shinpachi:** If you're afraid then don't read it!

 _Like… like that asshole Tamaki with the nice hair?  Does Mutsu like nice hair?  You idiot, Tatsuma, everyone likes nice hair.  That bastard.  I’ll transfer him to cargo.  
_**Gintoki:** Oh yes finally! I'm begging you, go crash your ship like you did but on Zura's home instead! I'd kill to see him have a bad hair day any day!

 _She’s probably going to think I looked at it anyway, though, now everything’s been moved, and it’s out in the open.  I’d better put everything back.  Pretend I didn’t see it.  
_**Shinpachi:** Everyone knows that doesn't work.

 _That goes here, this one went there.  Or there.  Somewhere there….  Oh well, good enough.  One more…  
_**Yamanami:** Okay, where the fuck was this man educated? Didn't anyone tell him not to put a full stop after an ellipsis?

 _OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT  FUCKING BASTARD COFFEE CUP WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT DOING THERE OHSHITBASTARDBOLLOCKSFUCKINGSHIT._  
**Yamanami:** Spacing, again, spacing. Besides… _bollocks?_ Is Sakamoto secretly British or something?  
**Shinpachi:** But isn't this story in Japanese? Otherwise how can we understand it?  
**Gintoki:** But it's written in English but somehow we can still understand it…  
**Yamanami:** THEN WHAT LANGUAGE ARE WE FUCKING SPEAKING? Arrrgh, I can't even. My head. Pills.  
**Shinpachi:** Yamanami-san…  
**Yamanami:** PILLS.

 _Oh god oh god, it’s everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  That was literally a vat of coffee, who drinks that much coffeeeeeee?!  how does she even fit that much coffee inside her?!_  
**Yamanami:** PROPER CAPITALIZATION, MOTHERFUCKER!  
**Gintoki:** Says the one talking in all caps.  
**Shinpachi:** But there's no capitalization in Japanese…  
**Gintoki:** Look, to hell with this language talk already, 'kay? I don't think we have many headache pills left.

 _She must be 90% caffeine – and how is there more paper now than there was before?_  
**Yamanami:** And how the hell is the latter half of that sentence relevant at all? My head is reeling trying to process that sentence… pills, pills, pills…  
**Shinpachi:** How in Edo did someone with such serious health and addiction problems get elected into the Shinsengumi in the first place?  
**Gintoki:** … and then there's the mayonnaise addict and loose-butthole gorilla…  
**Shinpachi:** I get it.

 _Maybe it’s not on the diar - it’s all over the diary._  
**Gintoki:** You can try taking your pills with strawberry milk. It works!  
**Yamanami and Shinpachi:** Get back on topic plz.

 _And is that a handwritten letter?!  Oh god, no, don’t say it was a love letter?  The ink –it’s just a blur now!!  A precious love letter – maybe poor Mutsu’s only love letter – and it’s destroyed – and she will cry and then I’ll cry and then she’ll break every bone in my body.  
_**Yamanami:** I feel terribly sorry for the hyphen button.

 _Where the hell is Kintoki when you need him – he’d have a time machine or something that might help.  
_**Gintoki:** What did I - no, what did _you_ say about mistaking other people's name?

 _Look, just be calm.  BE CALM.  Maybe she’ll find it funny.  Maybe you can just laugh it off.  
_**Gintoki:** Oh. No. Brace yourselves.

 _Ah ha haha.  Ah ha ha haahahahaha!  AH HAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAOHGOD SHE WILL DESTROY ME._  
**Yamanami:** Give that back! I said give me my pills back!  
**Shinpachi:** No I can't! What if you die from overdose?  
**Yamanami:** But otherwise I'm gonna die from this fucking stupid annoying  _written_ laugh anyway so…  
**Shinpachi:** Look, if you take  _one_ more pill, I'll report you to your superior and you'll have your dignity stripped and you'll have to commit seppuku and all your pills will be gone…  
**Yamanami:** Shutting up.

 _There will be nothing left to bury.  They’ll ask “where’s Tatsuma?” and she’ll say “I don’t know, he must have left forever” and all that will remain will be whatever she hasn’t flossed from between her teeth yet._  
**Gintoki:** By all means, gods, please make this happen.  
**Shinpachi:** What kind of friend are you?

_Oh GOD.  I can hear her coming.  There’s only one thing I can do._

 

   
**Yamanami:** DOUBLE BREAKS FOR GODS' SAKES. MY HEAD.

_Mutsu’s personal log: 25 November,16:27_

_Walked into the fifth deck office today to find Sakamoto sobbing and eating my appointments book._

_He was also clutching a soggy flapjack recipe while swearing he hadn’t read it._

_He really is an idiot._  
**Gintoki:** Couldn't agree more.

 _Why am I in love with him, exactly?_  
**Gintoki:**  And why are we still sitting here? The fic is over now, isn't it?  
**Yamanami:** Why yes it is, but your literary education isn't!  _(evil laugh)_  
**Shinpachi:** So that means…  
**Yamanami:** THAT WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER MST SESSION AGAIN REAL SOON!  
**Gintoki:** Then what about the money _…_  
**Yamanami:** _(gone)_

* * *

Omake

_Later, as someone read the MST, he then typed in the comment section:_

**[Username: fruitpunchsamurai]:**

 

> _"Where the hell is Kintoki when you need him – he’d have a time machine or something that might help.  
>  _**Gintoki:** What did I - no, what did _you_ say about mistaking other people's name?"
> 
> Ha, look who's talking.


End file.
